Email Or Not

1 My husband and I divorced over religious differences.. He thought he was God and I didn’t.

2.. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. Some people are alive, only because it’s illegal to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don’t take life too seriously – no one gets out alive.

6. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to ME

7… Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder .

8.. Earth – the insane asylum for the universe.

9..  I’m not a complete idiot — some parts are missing.

10.   Out of my mind, back in five minutes .

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12.. God must love stupid people. He made so many.

13..  The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14.. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being ‘over the hill’ is much better than being under it.

17..  Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18 . Procrastinate . . . . Now!

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts – do You Want Fries With That?

20..  A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26..Ham and eggs…A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27.. The trouble with life is . . . there’s no background music.

28.. I smile because I don’t know what the heck is going on.

Appreciate what you have, especially your friends. Life is too short and friends are too few!

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a freakin’ call center in Afghanistan.

I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light
bulb?

Woman’s Answer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because  no one else in this f***n house knows HOW to change a f***n light bulb! They
don’t even know that the f***n bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE f***n DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn’t be able to find the god damned light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the f***n chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME f***n SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER
THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO F**er EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES
OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATEDFROM THE F***N PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE F***N HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND
DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE F***N TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I’m sorry. What was the question?

6 beers

2 glasses of wine

2 bottles of wine – Shared of course

too many margaritas

3 Kamikazes

7 rum & cokes

1 large purple haze

3 martinis

1 bottle of tequila

If you got a chuckle or smile,
pass it on to someone who
Loves animals too. And even if they are not animal people, send it any way, this is too cute to keep

Recipe for Happiness

” I have a little recipe that isn’t hard to make
But you must always start as soon as you awake.
Take a great big mixing bowl and fill it with a smile
Mix half a cup of sunshine with good deeds to last a while.
Add a pinch of work and play, a pinch of thoughtfulness and care
But don’t bake it in the oven, just spread it around everywhere.”